I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
