It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize