i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
