so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
