Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
