apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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