I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
