I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
