I cannot find my penis.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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