I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
