Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
