Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
