Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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