I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize