I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
