Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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