now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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