insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
