Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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