Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
foreskin is a definite game changer
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
