If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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