Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Boobs speak an international language.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
