i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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