Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
