I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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