Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
