god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
