My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She even gives head with a lisp.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
