Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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