im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Randomize
