Screwed.edu
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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