But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
