batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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