A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
