guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
