I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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