You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
