i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
