My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
