I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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