Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
