I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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