That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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