either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
