Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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