we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
