You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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