Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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