Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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