Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
