I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
