apparently the secret to your success is patron
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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