i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
