Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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