Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
