Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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