You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
