You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
