i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize