The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize