I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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