They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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